Josh Hamilton loves him some Jesus. He also loves drinking, whoring, drugging, chewing tobacco, and hitting things, but he especially loves him some Jesus. We’ve read that he is now quitting the dip, and praying whenever he feels the urge to suck on a dark, juicy wad (too lazy to find actual quote), and we would applaud him if it weren’t such a pussy move. Quitting chewing tobacco after you’ve given up all your other vices is fucking weak, dude. And besides, I don’t know if you realize this, but you’re a baseball player, and the ones that dip happen to look awesome, like they’ve taken a big load of cum in their mouth and are just sort of like, slowly swallowing it. How are you going to hit the ball without a mouthful of delicious, brown focus?
Of course it also got us thinking about Jesus, more specifically, about Jesus’ penis. It would only make sense that Jesus’ penis would be the greatest penis of all time, not necessarily the largest, or girthiest, but we’re assuming it would be the most pleasurable to experience, and without a doubt the most beautiful. So we started asking around the Am Pus offices as to what makes a penis both beautiful, and awesome to feel inside one’s mouth/vagina/anus/nose/ear/eye/fat-fold/tracheotomy-hole, with things like length, girth and hardness all being givens. What other characteristics and attributes make a man’s wiener really shine? Here we go:
“Philip” – Editor
The most gorgeous penis I’ve ever seen was in the sixth grade. I’d just finished a “Game of Thrones”-ish standoff with our neighbor to the right, April, by killing her dog. Hey it’s not what it sounds like, I actually killed the dog to eat it, not because I am a barbarian or something. Anyways, I’d killed the dog because we were out of microwavable corndogs at my house, and everyone knows that dog penis is basically like a corndog once you microwave it and wrap it in wet cornflakes, but I never knew how beautiful they could be, all steaming and slathered in ketchup like that.
“Mackleroy” – Intern
I know that because I am an A and P intern contributing to a piece on penises you all expect me to:
A) Talk about being molested
B) Talk about all the times the hairy jew has shown me his penis.
But instead I will use these hundred words to discuss a serious issue that is going unaddressed in our P LaB offices. Someone has been furiously masturbating on my copies of the Delia‘s catalogue. I find it on the bathroom floor and the pages are stuck together and I can’t order the skinny jeans. You all need to stop. I deal with a lot. I scrub out kim chee jars and feed Marbles Targaryen, the hairy jew’s tarantula. The jew believes that he can shrink the tarantula and make it ride in his beard, and he think that the tarantula talks to him and gives him advice. In fact, the jew insists that Marbles keeps calling me Fagtron when I know it is really the jew who keeps calling me Fagtron.
“Adam” – Editor
What I look for in a penis is a sheen. Once coated with saliva, a penis should glisten a bit, like oil on the highway or the skin on the underside of a rack of pork ribs. What are we talking about? Oh yeah, Philip’s penis.
As you all know, Philip and I lived together in Van Nuys, CA, and I made it my mission to see his penis. I showed Philip my penis all the time, but he wouldn’t let me see his. He wore a house coat he named “Mambo” and the coat would part deliciously, but alas, Philip always wore protective briefs and a an extra layer of briefer briefs under his briefs. One night, I snuck into his room and snapped the following picture:
And I know what you are thinking: There is no way that is Philip’s penis because Philip’s penis is banana yellow. But at night, dear readers, it turns tomato red and sprouts a slice of eel sashimi. It good, it good.